🐊 Legal & Disclaimers
Because someone in Legal said we had to
1: Not a Legally Recognized Retreat
This experience may not qualify as a “retreat” in most jurisdictions. It may legally be classified as “reckless team exposure,” “emotional skydiving,” or “an elaborate cry for help.”
2: Gators Are Real
All gators featured are living, breathing, legally indifferent animals. They are not actors, animatronics, or interns in costumes (anymore). They are unionized. We do not control them — only respect them.
Disclaimer 3: Outcomes May Vary
While some participants report improved teamwork, enhanced clarity, and spontaneous spiritual awakening, others have reported:
Sudden honesty
Light swamp possession
Mild-to-moderate existential unraveling
A powerful urge to change departments
4: Not All Participants Will Return the Same
Physically? Probably.
Emotionally? No.
Some will gain wisdom. Some will gain fear. A few will gain gator nicknames that can never be removed.
5: This Is Not HR Approved
Any HR involvement in this retreat is purely symbolic. The HR rep is also in the enclosure. She made her choices.
6: No Chad Clause
By participating in this retreat, you consent to the spontaneous sacrifice of Chad, if applicable. Every team has one. You know who he is.
7: Legally Uninsurable
This experience is not covered by your company’s insurance, your personal insurance, or prayer. If you brought your own liability waiver, we respect that — and so do the gators. They love a crunchy document.
8: Therapy Not Included
Post-retreat counseling is strongly recommended, not provided, and likely not covered. We suggest journaling. Or screaming into a plant.
9: All Sales Final
No refunds, no take-backs, no do-overs. If your team loses a member to the swamp, that’s now part of your Q3 narrative.
10: You Agreed to This
By entering the retreat site, clicking “Register,” or opening that suspicious email titled “Gatorforce: Mandatory Fun,” you’ve already consented. You’re in too deep. Best of luck.
11. Not Evaluated by the FDA, EPA, or Anyone With a Spine
This experience has not been reviewed, sanctioned, or spiritually blessed. It is technically an event. It is emotionally a reckoning.
12. GatorForce™ May Not Be Compatible with Humans
May cause dizziness, vulnerability, involuntary team bonding, spontaneous backstabbing, or the desire to crawl into a mossy log and start over as someone named Fern.
13. You Acknowledge This May End Like a Discovery Channel Special
Should you be consumed, emotionally or literally, your life rights may be sold for reenactment.
14. Retreat Activities Include Running, Wrestling, Apologizing to a Reptile
May involve: emotional nudity, swamp fog, foam chairs, betrayal, screaming “WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER” as your coworkers visibly disagree.
15. We Are Not Responsible for Lost Items, Trust, or Sanity
Misplaced dignity will not be recovered. Emotional baggage may be eaten. If your manager cries during the Feedback Circle, that’s between them and Darla.
16. Do Not Attempt to Pet the Gators
They are not comfort animals. They are chaos interns. Gary once filed a performance review on a napkin and set it on fire.
17. If Bitten, Blame Your Team’s Communication Style
Medical attention is available but must be requested via interpretive dance. Screaming “I LEARNED SOMETHING” may reduce liability.
18. Long-Term Effects May Include: Promotion, Regression, Swamp-Based Enlightenment
Some participants ascend. Others float. A few start referring to themselves as “We.” We support them.
19. Therapy Recommended, But Not Provided
Post-retreat care is encouraged. Especially if you saw the swamp blink. If you are the swamp now, welcome to Management.
20. By Continuing, You Accept All Risk, All Gators, and All Possible Realities
Including the one where you become a regional director with moss in your soul and teeth marks in your career path. You knew what this was.
☐ I Accept the Terms, the Gators, and My Fate.