Q1: Is this retreat mandatory?
A: Only if you value your position, your reputation, and your remaining PTO hours.

Q2: Will I be required to physically interact with the gators?
A: Only if you make eye contact or speak in business metaphors. So yes.

Q3: Are the gators trained?
A: They’ve seen the training PowerPoint. Whether they absorbed it is unclear. Carl chewed through Slide 6.

Q4: What should I wear?
A: Moisture-wicking business casual. Bring a backup tie and something you won’t miss if it’s digested.

Q5: Will there be snacks?
A: Yes. For you and for the gators. We don’t label who gets what. It’s part of the trust exercise.

Q6: What happens if I refuse to participate?
A: That’s adorable.

Q7: Is there cell service at the retreat site?
A: Only for Gary. He’s got a burner phone and an active TikTok following.

Q8: Can I swap teams if I don’t like mine?
A: Only during the mid-retreat negotiation circle, which takes place underwater.

Q9: What if I have a serious allergy?
A: Please list all allergens in your waiver so we can alert the gators. Some of them are gluten-free.

Q10: What’s the emergency evacuation plan?
A: Run.
Whoever screams loudest becomes the distraction.

Q11: How many people have been injured at past retreats?
A: Define “injured.” Legally, it’s a gray area. Spiritually? Every single one.

Q12: Can I bring emotional support animals?
A: Not unless they support you emotionally while also outrunning a mid-sized gator.

Q13: What if I don’t feel comfortable around reptiles?
A: That’s great. The gators love a good challenge.

Q14: Are there bathrooms?
A: Technically. They move. You’ll need to find them before the gators do.

Q15: What is the ultimate goal of this retreat?
A: Transformation. Bonding. Unmasking Chad. And possibly vengeance.

Q16: Is Chad okay?
A: Chad knew the risks. Chad made choices. Chad is technically “in review.”

Q17: Who’s in charge of safety?
A: The gators.
They haven’t filled out the forms, but they seem firm in their policies.

Q18: Will there be team photos?
A: Yes, right before the trust fall. Say “corporate liability!”

Q19: Can I bring my children?
A: Only if you want to teach them hard truths about teamwork and natural selection.

Q20: Is this tax-deductible?
A: That depends on your accountant, your risk tolerance, and whether Carl signs off on the invoice with his teeth again.

Q21: What time does the retreat start?
A: Whenever the fog clears and the drums stop. So... roughly 9:15am.

Q22: Is screaming allowed?
A: Encouraged.
It helps the gators locate weak links.

Q23: What if I get lost in the swamp?
A: That’s called “off-site reflection.” Embrace the growth. Bring a flare.

Q24: Is this a prank?
A: Yes.
And also somehow no.

Q25: Do I need to sign anything?
A: Only a few minor forms: a release, a waiver, a last will and testament, and an NDA that dissolves in swamp water.

Q26: Can I opt out of the wrestling event?
A: You may attempt to.
Nigel will sense it.

Q27: What if I panic during the Feedback Circle?
A: The circle wants that.
The circle feeds on that.

Q28: Who do I contact if I have concerns?
A: Gary.
If he turns his back, it means he’s listening. If he lunges, it means you’ve been heard.

Q29: Can I leave early?
A: Technically, yes.
Realistically? The gators vote.

Q30: What is the success rate of this retreat?
A: In measurable outcomes: unclear.
In unforgettable memories: 100%.
In personnel retention: fluctuating wildly.